I have a confession to make

ME: Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.

PRIEST: How long since your last confession?

ME: About three months. Since I finished Losing It, by Valerie Bertinelli.

PRIEST: That was a dark and sordid time, my child. What brings you before me again?

ME: Oh Father. I am so ashamed. I'm so weak. I picked up Life with my sister Madonna by Christopher Ciccone. And I can't put it down!

PRIEST: But you know if you keep reading it, you'll go blind.

ME: I know, Father. But it's so good.

PRIEST: Sinning always is, my child. Can you stop now, before it goes too far.

ME: I don't think so, Father. I believe the Devil has taken hold of me.

PRIEST: I understand. They showed us Truth or Dare in the Seminary. For your penance, I need you to say 5 Hail Mary's, listen to Like a Prayer 10 times, and spend the rest of the day speaking in a fake English accent.

ME: Is there anything else, Father?

PRIEST: Yes. Because of the severity of your sin, I'm advising you to go home and watch Swept Away.

ME: That's just cruel, Father.

PRIEST: Why do you think I went into this line of work?